Thursday, December 31, 2009

Last entry of the 09'!

With just 4 hours left of 2009 i start to reflect on this past year. I must say im fucking proud. A lot of things happened this year, but mostly strong and independent moments... This year i have not cried for a guy and i dont regret anything. I went to parties that were unforgettable, ive spent time with my girls that build on the memories and i've experienced many relationships. I learned from everyone, taking the advice towards my futur. 2009 was that year for me, it was an amazing year. It taught me how to control things, how to stay focused and how to get over the little things. I altered myself, i changed my mind set and therefore changed myself. With this, i went on to winning a banner. I went on to finish with a 91% average and winning a scholarship and at the moment, am in the midst of an incredible relationship. I loved the year thats past. so many memories, great music/movies... im most proud of my accomplishments and my attitude. I've risen above everything that happened. I brought bitch to the table and although people have turned away or may not like it, its what got me here. strong and independent. and with the new attitude ive adapted, ive landed me a helluva team, a boominggg group of girls, a progressing body and a helllllllllll of a man. So cheers! 20-10 willl be EXCEPTIONNEL BABY!
here are some pics of the year 09!



The Language of Love... Attempt 1

Tesoro, dimme que tu sia con me- per sempre. non posso vivere senza tu qui, dal vostro de mi lato. Perche e questo tanto difficile? essendo via di te? mi amor, mio pazzo di te- ti penso sempre. no posso tu dire come tanto ti amo... tu sei la mia stella bello, mi ereo e una parte de mi anima. dovunque que mi vada, tu es per sempre dentro mi pensieri. qualunque cosa mi amor, prometta que tu mai dimenticarmi... tu sia una grande stella, la stella que mi sempre ha saputo tu erano. Ma.. no dimenticarmi amor... ama solo di te, sei tutto que mi bisogno. Mio avere di te, tu amando. tu sei la motivo de mi sorriso e de mio rotture. Capire que ti amo piu di quelle posso dire ... per voi, mi atteza pazientamente, per che qualunque questo tu sei, tu sia sempre ritorno a mi...



Monday, December 21, 2009

All Control is Lost

All my life has been planned out for me. School, social life, morals, everything seemed to fit into place how it should be. A prime example of someone who has all her priorities straight and knows everything shes doing would be well, me. I seem to always be in control of what im doing even if it is a bit reckless, i can get away with murder.because i would know how. Quick on my feet ... thats just the way it is for me. but... when it comes to loving you... its very hard for me to control. Because i love you in so many ways imaginable that theyre expanding my heart across my eyes, in a thin layer enough for me not to be blind. I know that sounds far fetched but its true. As i said, i feel older, more mature and much more aware of you AND of what you are doing. So therefore i will not let a mistake i once made happen again. i am not blind in love, i notice everything and i love that. its as if you want me to see, as if youre protecting me while still loving me. youre amazing. I want you so badly, its tempting me to leave everything behind, but then there you are secretly reminding me to open my eyes and stay on my feet. you are the only one who can keep me tied down and in love at the same time. I show you a side of me that ive never ever shown anybody, it means a lot to me that i share it with you, because youre someone i trust in completly.

We mesh so well its sickening. I feel so at ease being with you, being next to you or in your arms. by your side is one of my favorite places to be... i want to stand there and support you. And aslong as im yours, i will forever be proud because youre worth fighting for. I believe no rumour and dont even need to ask you about them, because i believe in something so much more... and thats you. baby im crazy in love with you...


Thursday, December 10, 2009


Where the silence was so loud it pierced my ears. Stuck in a world where i had no direction, no path to follow. I was a lost cause. I felt so childish, so predictable, so foolish. I was a distraught and typical example of someone i despised. i hate it, watching 15 year old girls mourn over a guy, for shits sake youre fucking 15. Thats ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. and i hate that feeling. I'd gained, gained so much that it hurt me until i was nothing anymore. I compared everyone, everything, every place and every moment, but for what? for the journey that in the end i could call, "love"? "Yeah, i loved, once. but its along story"... i didnt want that, i dont want that attention. i hate the type of attention, it makes me feel weak, like i've been beaten and used. I dont stand for that, but in my heart that had led me to it in the first place was exactly that... manipulated. betrayed. toyed with and shattered. It felt like there was no hope for me anymore, even if i knew that someday it would all wash over, it seemed like i could never be happy again. Never be as joyful, and energetic about love as i was then. I looked at him with awe and passion. There was something i saw that reeled me in, that today, is beyond my capability of comprehension.

Then, 2 years later here you come. here you've always been. someone who in the beggining was a person i would never want to be with. one of many that i stereotyped and filed away in my imaginary cabinet with a NEVER stamp inked across the folder. I guess your file slipped out... You were that guy that i warned girls about. a guy, who is simply being a guy and all he wants is a hole. whenever, wherever... my flag was waving, my red flag was swaying back and forth, so large and in my face that i couldnt see the beauty behind it... And so i peeked. and when i opened my eyes to you, i opened the gate to my heart. the gate that was shutting out everything and every one from my life. I was on lockdown, to even the most exceptional of guys. Guys who i, had broken their hearts because well, its what i was taught to do. But you, you had this ease. this forbidden and midblowing ease about you... and now. i cannot wake up without you in my life. You are one in a million, and i say that with the utmost respect. there is no other word to describe you, but perfect. Your flaw is that you are too indescribable. you are that rare shooting star that comes every so often but only get to see once. you glide across my sky, lighting it up and filling it with hope and faith. You are my protector, the soldier i never had. You say the most beautiful things and lay kisses on mylips like i have never felt before. You are respectful and courteous... you understand my boundries and my limits. you comprehend what im saying with a single glance. you understand what it is to be me. We work so well together baby, and i want this for as long as i may have it. I want to hold onto this relationship with this type of ease for as long as i can, and i will hang on. I do not want to let go of you because you... you are what i've always wanted and its still a shock that you have been here all along.

your passion baby, baby youre amazing. you will succeed in no matter what you chose to do because you are born a star. you were born to soar with those strong and confident wings you have. youre so high baby it makes me want to fly beside you. you bring out the best in me, the best i've ever been. I am so happy with you that this feels like nothing else ive ever felt before. you are showing me a whole new way to love. those kisses... are like soft, warm cashmere blankets upon mine. you know the ones where i cant let go? those are my favorite ones. leaving you everyday is a tragedy but also celebrates the time that must pass in order for me to see you once again. your touch. whether it be your finger lifting my chin, or your hands contouring my torso, your touch lingers... i cannot breathe and i cannot think. i want you near me always. when you whisper in my ear the lyrics to songs; im lovestoned. your words trickle down my back and i feel my knees start to tremble. our rhythm, our pace and the way we are in sync with everything,i love that about us. i love how i can talk to you about absolutly anything even if it means hanging up on you. we have our differences, but they are what makes us so similar.they are what defines us from the rest...

i cant describe what i feel for you... but its a stregth i didnt know i had anymore. Its a feeling of maturity, on both our parts that makes our relationship what it is. I feel so much older and wiser that it reflects on how i treat you and how i want to be treated. you read all my signals and reach beyond my expectations. you are what completes me... and as stupid as this may sound and as naive as i may seem to be, i love you. and after that... there simply isn't anything else to say.

Monday, October 12, 2009

You're boyfriend number two- again.

Hiya Ducky. I missed you, but no worries i knew you would return. And you KNOW how much that bothers me. Guys have radars don't they... Edward came back to Bella just when she started to feel better about his absence. Big came RUNNING for Carrie the same night she was happily leaving for Paris. And you unknowingly, come back into my life when i start to move one... But im not going to lie. I love having you here. I've missed your rude comments but you came with a new attitude this time... a complimenting one. A side i hadn't seen for a long time. if ever.

its not the first time you hear this, maybe not as personal but youre 2nd to me now. i love having you second though, really. and the only place you'll ever move to is first, i guarantee that. but at the moment, i haven't forgotten you. Welcome back to the pond.

hugs and kisses. xo



Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Just fucking around

No homework for once. Results? Dark circles under my eyes and sore muscles.



Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Analogy of a duck.

You know... you piss me off. I decided to NOT fall for you. I came to the conclusion that you're no good for me- that it would never work out. But why is it that whenever we drift away and not even focus on something we know we shouldn't want it ALWAYS just so happens, "coincidentally", to be that one something we cannot live without. Like YOU for example. I knew this guy. I speak to this guy. I fell for this guy. I got over this guy... somewhat. Im trying to convince myself that its not really a good time.. that were both focused on different things but everytime my phone vibrates.. a tiny part of me freezes and wishes its you... your screen name puts me a very quiet state. your status updates make my eyeballs rolls. and you comments... in my inbox when it says you wrote on my wall, "Like"d something or commented a picture- GOOD OR BAD, i smile. I can't help but watch you msn name go from green to gray, from busy to online. That little ducky thats been your default picture since the first day i met you annoys the living shit out of me. But if you would change it, i would feel compelled to ask therefore be afraid to get a " lol" or a simply "ok". That rubber ducky means something to me. It means you haven't changed, it means to me that youre still the same guy i always knew. and if you changed that picture... i dont know maybe im over-reacting. but i would feel as if you've moved on. Not that i dont want you to or stopping you, but perhaps the moving on will lead you to forgetting me. i cant help but wonder if i mean anything at all to you, if you mean the things you said. if i leave; would it bother you? or would you simply just give me the regular "ok"? But one things for sure, if the rubber ducky decides to switch baths, my water would not be very relaxing anymore.


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

School Approaching :(

NOOOOOOOO my relax time is slipping through my fingers... not cool. One week to go, 5 days to be precise. Then no more sleeping in. Its just going to be books, book, books, an orange ball, a stripped wilson and laced up touch-down for the next 10 months... WWOOOHOOO. atleast ill get a tight body (hopefully ) *yn


Monday, August 24, 2009

Forbidden Love

I was really starting to fall for you- even though i knew i shouldn't have.You were someone I completely and willing got to know despite the red flags. I began this relationship; this friendship we now have, but i do not want to be the one to end it. You were good company... for the time being. Everyday you managed to put a smile on my face even if it was not funny. A compliment, and insult... Either one would suffice because i was talking to you. You; an older, wiser more experienced, determined boy. I admired (and still do) your passion for that orange ball. It was what attracted me to you from the beginning- and the more you spoke about it the more i was intrigued. i love a guy able to commit, who is fit, strong, intelligent and takes charge. You were everything and more. you are the perfect match! You play hard to get which is an alteration in my game... a challenge. I also like challenge. There are risks and certain rules i know i have to break to get to know you and see you. and sometimes i think it might be worth it- but when you pull those lines... those stupid, childish, MEN lines i just want to forget about even making that first move...

Adieu mon amour,


Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Heyyy there :) Summer is finally here in Montreal. Highs of 32 degrees! Woah! Scoarching... Sorry for the blog's appearance its under construction. Today i went to LaRonde with camp. it was Hot and sticky and i dont feel well so it was kind of a nightmare for me.. anyhow. my day gets worse. I'm entenred into this scolarship program, PBSSQ(philipino benevolent and scholarship societyof Quebec) and so ive been working on an ESSAY. thats right. and ESSAY during the summer! i ALSO have to complete a biography of my honours and achievements and a reasearch project on the Philippines. On sunday when i do my interview, i also have to write a short essay... Doenst this suck? Yes it might, but the prize IS 500$ and Top Scholar of the Year. Good looks on a CV doesnt it? I'm working towards my money * lol juuustttttt NOT kidding. anywho I MUST get back to work. Just stopped by to blog. Even though NO ONE reads this anyways!


Saturday, August 8, 2009

I have a dream

I had a dream about you last night.
We were lying in the sand watching the sunset.
I heard nothing but waves washing against the shore.
I saw nothing but your tanned face looking at mine.
Love was in the air.
The beach was clear. Couples had started back to their hotels and we were alone.
I loved it this way. It was like we heard each others thoughts better.
I was you, and you were me.
We were one.
I looked at you so happy... Finally.
Our moment was interrupted by funny giggles "Mommy! Daddy!"
We laughed and grabbed our children in our arms.
Finally we had gotten to that dream of ours. The one we had the day we locked eyes.
You hadn't aged a day...
You were beautiful, a God.
We were healthy, fit and amazing parents.
She was gorgeous, our daughter, she had your smile.
He was handsome, our son, he had your strong posture.
We had a family together.. nothing seemed wrong.
Its funny how in dreams you don't remember exactly how that person treated you in the past.
All you know is that you are happy in the moment that in reality, lasted a mili-second.
It felt so real. It felt as if you loved me...
But then again... I was only dreaming.



Friday, July 31, 2009

Greetings from the Lobster Coast

Greetings from Portland, ME. Very rainy, very sunny, very odd. But its great to relax and just think. Well, maybe i've been getting a little too much thinking done. To many coincidences here. Home seems good just about now... Anyways. Gonna go sit by the camp fire and blame the smoke as the reason for the teary eyes.



Tuesday, July 28, 2009

New yorkk freshh

New York was a fucking blassstttt. Shopping til' we dropped. Exquisite. Now im in Maine with AK and co. Its great. Roasted marshy's :) yummm and tomorrow beachyy :)



Friday, July 17, 2009

Windows Live Hotmail ?

so apparently you can log onto blogspot from anywhere and any site. Exibit A = Windows Live Hotmail Just a right click, press the blogger link and here we have it! amazing isn't it? what technology has to prove...

Today, im home again. SICK. i hope i dont have H1N1. that would suck. but im feeling better. just a bit dizzy and i still have my cough. mom is making me clean things. i dont know how she doesnt see me struggling lol but anyways. thats how mom's are arent they.. wtv i'll survive. Ottawa this weekend and FINALLY NYC with AK next week! im so extatic. outfits are planned and everything... a couple of sundresses, shoes, heels, evening casualties. you know- the works. It's going to be just fabulous. Well, anyway I'll be by shortly... Undercover.



Saturday, July 11, 2009


HP6 :)

nyc with AK! :D


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

M for Music, M for Michael.

I am still in a state of shock. The loss of Michael Jackson is... unbelievable. The ceremony today really touched me. I never knew him, i did not grow up when Michael was at his highest peek and I never considered him at one of my favorite artists... But i realized that he is the basis of every one in the industry that I admire. I wish i had the chance to meet you or see one of your concerts, but i was too young. and yet, Michael your death made me cry.

Michael- not only did you make your way through the toughest of publicity but you proved every pessimist and hater wrong. You dealed with unimaginable situations. You took in the storms and sent them away a beautiful breeze... You made this world a better place to live in. you are Music. There is no one like this King and there will never ever be another Michael. God, there is no better time to ask you to take a couple moments and welcome him into your kingdom... Bless him with everything you have because he has served you. Even if it was for a short time, he has served your purpose on Earth. What you sent your sons and daughters to do, Michael has done. He was united everyone together. Black or white, christian or muslim, rock and roll or pop. The opposites became the same. Thank you Michael... for everything you've brought with you and left behind . Thank you for leaving your legacy behind for us to admire and believe you have not left us. In body, Michael you are not present... but in spirit you are everywhere we look. People gathered together to celebrate your life. I miss you. They miss you. WE miss you. I write this not only as a tribute to you but a MY word and promise that i will never forget you and your music. I love you Michael. Continue to watch over us as we pass on stories and memories of what will always be the King of pop. Rest in heavenly peace.

You healed the world...


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Hey young world it's your girl Dj Razor Rae

Michael Jackson media everywhere you go. Puddles on the floor. Sunny rays during the daytime. AC on. Nail polish finally brings out my tan. The Big Apple in 23 days exactly :) Emailing AK for the plans. Mr.Big haunts me. D's end of year sleepover was a blast. Arguments at the dinner table about Luck vs Destiny (it's always religion vs science here...) Arguments about faith. Wishing Sex and the city still played. Mom comes in every once in a while to tell me i better clean my room. Dad made dinner - shocker. Dad got canoli's for dessert :) Dad's dinner wasn't half bad. Camp duty tomorrow at 8:45. Really pissed that the Honey dvd isn't working. Thunder and Lightning outside my window. Handyman died this week.. R.I.P. Family picnik this weekend! PRAYING FOR GOOD WEATHER. Can't wait until hockey season. Wanting to watch T.V. Dad is hogging the tv for video games. Dad is 52. No on is online. Have to fix captions under fb pics. Boring entry. Sorry for reading. Thanks if you did. Comment if you did. Have a great summer. God Bless.


Friday, June 26, 2009

If you're going to be two faced, atleast make ONE of them pretty

I cannot stand girls who expose themselves full out. Walking around with you built and fit physique completely out there for everyone to see is just... not what girls as young as us are supposed to look like. You look like hookers. It shows a lack of self respect and confidence. Allowing your make-up and bronzage skin being the first and only thing appealing to you just proves that you are worth nothing. That you have absolutely nothing to offer either than eye shadow and a kiss made of 95% whale blubber.. and sad part is.. Guy's dig it.

*sigh* I'm trying to be a fair lady :)


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Pause. Bow. Moment of silence.

Today. 2 lives were taken from our world. The world of entertainment. We lost our dear and beautiful Farrah Fawcett and legendary Michael Jackson. At such young ages, these 2 fine people have passed on... One died a soldier and the other in his own style.. Farrah Fawcett... once the most beautiful woman on the planet to a victim of cancer. This angel not only sold over 12 million copies of her poster worldwide, but served as an all amarican icon for years. She changed the perspective of sexuality becoming an international sex symbol.

Michael passed with a shock, an awe and unexpected. But isn't that how the King of pop rolls? Always unpredictable and underestimated. He brought a new out look on music! 2 time Rock'n'Roll hall of famer, Guinness world record for most successful artist, 13 grammies, 13 #1 singles and seller of over 750 MILLION albums worldwide, this king will always be in charge of his thrown. No one shall ever take his place. He is truly a unique and original artist. May God bless him even now that he has passed... A example of a gift from God; Michael Jackson. His legacy shall endure forever more...

We love you... Rest in peace.


Friday, June 19, 2009

Plain old Ashley blog

hey there.
Just dropping by to talk. What else do i do right? Well, many things but that's besides the point. I updated my blog today. Couple of trinkets. Music - some snippets some actual tracks. It's kinda shitty that way but wtv. There are some great songs there so feel free to check it out. I also added the weather :) Punch in your city if you're wondering exactly HOW hot is it where you at ma'. Also added was the date haha. JUST INCASE you forget :) it helps to know when i posted the entry as well, or me at least seeing as i have like 5 followers none of which read anyway. But! just incase there are people who do... thanks. REALLY. thank you.

Summer's here. I guess.. This weather is sickening. Weak... just gray blobs everywhere. Everything is really depressing. What else.. I'm reading Angels and demons by Dan Brown. Prettyy good. I love God don't get me wrong but i like science too. God before all though no doubt.

Father's day this weekend, so blessings to all dadda's. Here or not... Out reach to all. Love love love. I got a family get together this weekend and as usual, im greatful/excited. it's been a while. 2 weeks maybe :P so lucky.

So ya.. Razor rae. Dj Razor Rae just lounging at the home... blogging. Jamming. You know.
Congrats Lakers champs (told ya'll...) Big ups to Penguins! (told ya'll again) AND congrats to the graduates. I know it's that time of year...

ya, little shout out to 11:11. Guess wishes do come true... TOLD YA'LL AGAIN

On a positive note, lupe is too cool. Just the Cool. Viva

Adieu to another day,



sorry G.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Meet me at my needs, thanks!

Why is it whenever i find something so precious and ideally close to home that it ends up having strings attached? That's life isn't it, never being 100% complete. There's always something. This new beau for instance, or casual flirt i should say, is even cut from the same cloth for God's sake what more could you want? A nice boy who is dedicated, passionate, committed, humorous and truthful. What's the problem? Ah... boy. There's the catch of the day. Once settled into conversation, the "boy questions" come along, and don't they always? So, i answered a couple and gradually moved on to a discussion that sounded more like a trivial pursuit.

Questions, yes.
Sex talk, no.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Your one and only source of Manhattan's Elite!

Ladies and Gents. Do i have some new for you! I just got an invitation via mail from my mom and aunt that me and my best friend since birth are going to New York City for our sixteenth birthday! It's going to be AMAZING. perfect outfit, shopping, living the life of an upper east sider. AND to put the cherry on the cake, seeing at my aunt is friends with someone who knows Al Pacino, we might be staying there :) How crazy is that? I really hope everything works out right. I mean NYC is official but ScarFace isn't for sure. So, i'm not gonna count my chikitas before the hatch you know ;) but i reallllyy really pray for it. I used my worry doll last night. For he first time since my dad's opperation. Here are my outcomes.

I did well on my exam, Lakers won AND they were even trailing, Mr.Big spoke to me on the phone and texted me last night its been forever, Soldier and I spoke and we had great weather today for our pool party at G's. One of the girls got a little carried away with the smirnoff :S so we all had to take care of her fucking ass and bring her home. it was hell. I had a coupld of shots but I'm completly fine. It's not very lady like, but wtv. I love being in control of myself and i hate it when i cannot focus on what im doing, so. im pretty safe for now . Blair = IDOL <3 LOL

anyway, enjoy the weekend

you know you love me


Wednesday, June 10, 2009



BLACK MAMBA vs. Superman

Dwight Howard going for the free throw. Such a handsome man... He's an outstanding player, this years defensive player. A great accomplishment getting this far from the pits. The underdogs going into the series and coming out strong defeating the defending champs Celtics and NBA's All star player of o8-o9 Lebron King James. Big ups, big shots, big dunks, big game, big guns and big heart! Mighty fine on and off the court ;) Love to you Dwight Howard aka my Superman.Look how fly he is! Gucci bag and pink shirt... pure freshness... i love dwight and i got alot of respesct for Magic cuz it's not easy. No one said it was easy. And now that they got Lakers to beat? I don't think so. Sorry boys but Lakers are my team. 2-4 ON MY SHIRT. (check out video, Kobe by weezy)***************************** Now now now drumroll. Los Angeles lakers. Nothing wrong with Kobe Going for 4th ring you know? haha No doubt tied at the top of the game with King. If not better. Kobe Bryant is unforgivably the best player in the game today. He will defend your best player. He will score more than your entire team. Put him on 5-1 and he will win. There is no one who compares to the passion and skill of this man. He is the G.O.A.T. Kareem, MJ, Dr.Jay, Shaq, Lebron.. man the list goes- but it ends with KB. They will win this series i guarantee. They are ready to claim the trophy.They turned off the Jazz. They blew up the Rockets. They ate the Nuggets. Now they gonna make Magic disappear.Been an All star. Been a Champion. Free throw line, you hear em' chanting "M-V-P! M-V-P!" Kobe Bryant Mr Envy-Me.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Somewhere... Somehow... I have you. Volume I

My baby*: My first trip down memory lane... you stand right there. We fight over anything and everything, but you know it's out of love. I only hope you know how much you mean to me. You're my baby, and always will be. You were my first puppy love that everyone knew would evolve to something much, much more. And truthfully? It has! We reunite every year. Every summer. We profess our respect and memories to eachother... you were always there for me. The safety net to catch me when i fell, ironically.. out of every break up. You were my vacation to a latin country :) A vacation that sometimes i visit, but always wish to be. I love you, from the safest deepest part of me, where you my baby, will forever stay. Te Quiero Bonito...

: God has a purpose for everyone right? I feel as though i was here to protect you. To guide you and inspire you. Although we always had that special bond, i always knew i met you for something. I will never call you mine. At least for the moment i don't think so. We are too good of friends for that, but i do have strong... very strong feelings for you. I envy your passion, your determination and your dreams. I know who you are. Deep down... You cover up your innocent and gentle soul with that Jabbawockee mask and do things you know YOU don't agree with- but i see threw that. Its as though i see right into your soul and you know I do. I can't deprive you from doing things, but i can influence your choices. I'm going to miss you. I'll always miss you, even if you are near. Even if you kiss my neck, or cheek or stare into my eyes as if you know what im feeling.. I'm losing you! Please, i can read any emotion you show me but the ones you feel for me. Make them clear because maybe, i might just share the same ones. You're my soldier... and someday, you will see that we, after all these years and after the choices we both made, will realize.

Wonderful*: You were a chapter in my life that has a special bookmark.Out of all of these, you made me laugh and smile the most. I knew you from when i was little, and crushes seemed to be the most important thing lol. Well, my crush followed me to where we are today. Suprisingly, you felt the same! Spectacular how far we've come and the people we became eh? A couple of days stranded in the wilderness brought us together. Sure, we both had different lives outside of the woods, but don't deny the memories we made. It was a fling, so i won't say i love you. but i will thank you... for the bottom of my repaired heart. You brought me to life again. You re-egnited the fire in my soul that i thought was out. You made me able to come back again. Thank you. I'll be here for you no matter what you need or when you need it. you are and always will be wonderful.

The Man*: 3 words. Bundle of Problems. 2 more: Great friend. From the start, you were constantly by my side whenever i got tired of fighting a battle. and you still are. My co-pilot or knight in shinning Armani :) Honey, you have a head on your shoulders and a heart of fucking gold, i just wish you would realize what a great guy you are. Maybe someday, if you patch up the issues, we might walk down the red carpet together... as you always imagined :p But you need to stop making problems that dont need to be created. Believe & Practice what you preech cuz it's beautiful and full of wisdom. Best of luck and thanks for bringing out the best is me.

11:11*: lately... you're all i wish for. a call or a text or even a message. Upfront or sublimonal any message from you would do. Sweet face... the new boy in town. You've been in my town for a very long time scientifically... since i was born if i re call. B.O.B and i respect that. and i know that its important to you and i love how passionate and determined you are for the game, because i too love the game. Dont let anyone get in the way of your dreams. Just know i feel for you. Just know that i support you. Just know i wish for you every 11:11.

Mr. Big/Him*: mostly all my blgos are about you anyway. from the start."Goodbye", that was for you. and practically all that came before. theres no doubt i love you. more than you could imagine. so many impossible dreams came true for us, and some still awaiting- but i guess i'll just sleep on them. i hurt myself falling for you, but that's how it goes right? You hurt when you fall. Feels like i fell from a 10 story building! I can honestly say you broke my heart. You were the only one who had enough of me to do that. You manipulated me... used me in different ways that i was using you. but baby no one in this world knows me like you do. no one sees me the way you do. you're a fucking jackass. you're an imbecile and a thief. a thief of me. you're a murderer and a cheat. but you're also the love of my life. Every song, every word, every place plays a roll in our story. I went everywhere with you and your weight is still hanging on my shoulders. I'm young and im stupid. I don't know what i would do if you appeared again. but i have faith in myself to make the decision, because my decisions in the begging led me to you.. you are my greatest fear, my inner weakness and the mirror of evil but i fell in love with you. and baby i always will be. Thank you, Your welcome, Sorry, I forgive you <3 Then, now, always...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

back to square one with you

Don't confess to impress
Don't swear and compare.
Don't kiss then dismiss
Don't lie and goodbye.

You have a wandering eye
and a lingering touch.
these past few weeks-my air supply.
I never seemed to miss somebody this much.

you say i broke you- but you were never mine to hold
Official-no, forever- yes... but i could never intertwine
I just want your heart for me to mold and to be able to call you mine.

come back

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Cosmo anyone?

Searching in a hay stack trying to find the back of an earring is hard...
Trying to find yourself in battlefield of fake people is even harder.
I walk home everyday wondering what kind of person i am. Ghetto Chic? Boho? Fashonista? Sporty Wear? Glamorous? Rocker?
Two days ago I was the biggest bitch and insulted everything i saw.
Yesterday I was your typical Mother Teresa and helped absolutely everyone.
Today I was studious and a mother around the house, i almost felt as if i were in University.
Tomorrow I'll be concentrated and kind? I have no idea. Who am i? There are so many genres and stereotypes to chose from. Is it possible to find the "you" in such a variety of "you"s?
I guess by typing all of this, the conclusion must be that i am many types of choices put into one. I can make up my own facts about me and not listen to some magazine who says the same to everyone. I am a kind, warm and generous person with a rough edge. I don't let anyone instigate me or get in the way of my goals. I am determined at whatever i do... Yeah. Suck on that CosmoGirl...


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

i love you

As i sit here with you... there are so many sentences that are forming in my mind that i wish to say to you. I have so many questions, a bunch of answers and mixed emotions.
I don't know what to ask you first... what's most important- because i only have these few moments with you. I start by looking into your eyes. To gain connection again... To make you feel what i feel right now, what I've felt for months. I ask calmly, trying to keep my focus; what happened? What happened to what we had? I never thought that the love we had would turn into anger, and force itself onto US like this. We haven't spoken in an eternity. We haven't spoken to each other for longer than an hour since my birthday... We have not been friends.

I'm trying to be civilized. I'm trying to make this work because i still keep my faith in you. I have forgiven you... for everything. It is not like me to do such kind things, but you have changed me. You made me a better person. You bring out the strength, patience and most importantly forgiveness in me. I thought we stood on thick ice together... Until, you started forming into her. How could you just forget me like that? How could you, after so long of loving, betray me like you did? Threatening me? Not having the slightest clue that maybe i would protect you? YOU cheated... YOU lied... so tell me why I am still here defending you? You jumped to conclusions and believed her. Of course, i don't blame you. She's your girlfriend... but did you ever stop and consider that i have never once betrayed you like that? You should have known me better than her. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know a thing about who i am and what i do. She's making me up in her head as she goes along, collecting rumours and pasting the pieces together, forcing you to believe in the fake-Ashley she's built. YOU know that's not true. You know me better than i even know myself...

So, as i sit here with you, praising these few moments we have together... I only can come to say one thing i love you... and i know it is wrong on so many different levels and i cannot grasp that after everything i can still feel so strongly... but it's the type of love that only comes from forgiveness. I've always cared and watched out for you even if you think i'm not. You're like a fake flower that never moves or changes...and yet i'm still checking up on it to make sure it hasn't died...


Monday, May 25, 2009

Unhealthy Transformation

I must have been real stupid. I guess by stepping outside to tan yesterday i had this cold rush stamped my body. My allergies got so bad yesterday that they clogged up my sinuses. There was no oxygen going to my brain and i felt like exploding. It was throbbing. I was in unbearable pain. my stomach was twisting and my shoulders paralyzed. I was suffering from 3 in the afternoon until 1 o'clock in the morning. I couldn't stand it. Little N wasn't about to help me-she's too young. Mom was sleeping all day but i don't blame her because she planned her HS reunion. Daddy heard my screams and moans and came to my side. He gave me water and calmed me down although my weeps were full of sorrow. He massaged my head and pushed the little demons out of my skull, but i still felt them knot themselves in other places i didn't know existed. I felt the tingle in my fingertips and i amazed me how everything was connected. I felt it in my toes. It felt like i was being transformed into a monster. My head was being squeezed and my nails dug into the mattress. My heart jolted and gasped for air. It was as if i was begging for oxygen. my last breathe. I woke up to find myself OK. I was so ill and in pain. I only realized this morning how hard my dad was pressing at the back of my head. I have bruises. And bumps. I feel the little air pockets everywhere. My shoulders are knotted into a ball of stress. The little knots are hidden under my shoulder blades so they cannot be touched.... I feel oh so very fragile and weak. I didn't go to school today. I am trapped in my cold body. I have just enough strength to write this. I've slept all day and woke up to finish a book. Bella has suddenly become a part of me... oh no!

Sincerely and graciously yours,


Sunday, May 24, 2009

Sun Youth.

What a beautiful day in Montreal! Wow! The sun is shinning and i just stepped in for a break. I was tanning-what a hard job :) haha The sun kind of absorbed my energy up. I'm gonna go back out to play volleyball with Little N and her friend C.

Anyways, here are some sunny shots. Just for shits and giggles. Bye Auntie T! Loved having you in town... She lives in Prague- can you imagine? It must be gorgeous...


Saturday, May 23, 2009

Photos from M's show :Buttons

Great show :)
xox Ashley

the love of the theater

Hello bloggers :)
Tonight, i am attending M's theater show. She's playing the role of a hooker- and says its really funny. So, i'm looking forward to it. I kinda feel like shit because T.O.M came and visited. I'm not too fond of him. he's annoying and always comes at the wrong time. lol Ladies, i hope we can relate to Tom. lol anywhoodles, i'm at T's house just now and we finshed sorting through her tones of millions of earrings. We figured out that the guys who were here yesterday STOLE a bundle of them and shes really pissed, then again who wouldnt be? I mean you invite yourself over number 1, you barge in and act all rude expecting food number 2 AND WHEN WE KICK YOU OUT, they get all bitchy and steal stuff? uh no. not floating my boat. Guess who was one of the assholes who took them? Yep, Him.

Last night, we experienced 3 groups of different backgrounds came to T's house at different times. Honestly, i thought it was amazing to see how guys from different countries act around girls. We had the negros, the mexican/colombians Manuel and Alberto who've been in Canada for a year and "Aaron and Taso" lol who were greek. They all stopped by for about 2 hours each, and it was so cool to see our (us girls) mood changes from group to group. The 1st group we knew very well. We went to school with them, but they were the ones who were super rude and stole stuff and created a whole bordello. The 2nd group was G's new boyfriend. They met at the gym and he's only lived here for a year now. He came form colombia and he brought his friend Alberto over. They were SO nice. It was their first time meeting G's best friends and they really gave us a good first impression. L, P, TB, T and I were very impressed. The next greco group was TB's beau. Shes "seeing him". At first him and his friend Taso Laso came off rough, but eventually they warmed up...

It was kinda boring last night, but being together was all that mattered. We enjoy eachothers company despite out COMPLETE differences. Anyway, L P T and me are meeting to go see M's show... I'll be back with an update about the show later. And... pictures:)



OK! IT'S DONE! LONG LIVE THE KING...JAMES! Last second (literally) and lebron gets the ball off the rebound, and shoots a beautiful 3. He is pure talent. he is basketball... he was fucking amazing. Thats what mvps do, thats why theyre crowned mvp. for key shots like that. It's in the video at the top. self explanatory.

Cavs ftw, Lebron is the game

Thursday, May 21, 2009

a day in the life of...

OK! So this crazy girl and i worked 3 classes intensively on our power point presentation on interior designing... all for what? 2 minutes of our teachers time. He looked at it and just graded... wtf? well whatever. its how this new reform class works. This, bloggiez is how we spent all __ classes: fucking around. Feeling good today. DESPITE whata helluva week it's been. backstabbing, jumping to conclusions, ignoring, beating up, robbing... High school. 7 days left! Ah it looks great outside. Take a look....
from the 3rd floor of my school... Sorry if it kinda looks shitty but to me... its beautiful!
Congrats to Kris Allen btw, the new American Idol. Congrats to Adam Lambert as well. Kudos anyhow.

have a great day!