Tuesday, May 26, 2009

i love you

As i sit here with you... there are so many sentences that are forming in my mind that i wish to say to you. I have so many questions, a bunch of answers and mixed emotions.
I don't know what to ask you first... what's most important- because i only have these few moments with you. I start by looking into your eyes. To gain connection again... To make you feel what i feel right now, what I've felt for months. I ask calmly, trying to keep my focus; what happened? What happened to what we had? I never thought that the love we had would turn into anger, and force itself onto US like this. We haven't spoken in an eternity. We haven't spoken to each other for longer than an hour since my birthday... We have not been friends.

I'm trying to be civilized. I'm trying to make this work because i still keep my faith in you. I have forgiven you... for everything. It is not like me to do such kind things, but you have changed me. You made me a better person. You bring out the strength, patience and most importantly forgiveness in me. I thought we stood on thick ice together... Until, you started forming into her. How could you just forget me like that? How could you, after so long of loving, betray me like you did? Threatening me? Not having the slightest clue that maybe i would protect you? YOU cheated... YOU lied... so tell me why I am still here defending you? You jumped to conclusions and believed her. Of course, i don't blame you. She's your girlfriend... but did you ever stop and consider that i have never once betrayed you like that? You should have known me better than her. She doesn't know me. She doesn't know a thing about who i am and what i do. She's making me up in her head as she goes along, collecting rumours and pasting the pieces together, forcing you to believe in the fake-Ashley she's built. YOU know that's not true. You know me better than i even know myself...

So, as i sit here with you, praising these few moments we have together... I only can come to say one thing i love you... and i know it is wrong on so many different levels and i cannot grasp that after everything i can still feel so strongly... but it's the type of love that only comes from forgiveness. I've always cared and watched out for you even if you think i'm not. You're like a fake flower that never moves or changes...and yet i'm still checking up on it to make sure it hasn't died...


Monday, May 25, 2009

Unhealthy Transformation

I must have been real stupid. I guess by stepping outside to tan yesterday i had this cold rush stamped my body. My allergies got so bad yesterday that they clogged up my sinuses. There was no oxygen going to my brain and i felt like exploding. It was throbbing. I was in unbearable pain. my stomach was twisting and my shoulders paralyzed. I was suffering from 3 in the afternoon until 1 o'clock in the morning. I couldn't stand it. Little N wasn't about to help me-she's too young. Mom was sleeping all day but i don't blame her because she planned her HS reunion. Daddy heard my screams and moans and came to my side. He gave me water and calmed me down although my weeps were full of sorrow. He massaged my head and pushed the little demons out of my skull, but i still felt them knot themselves in other places i didn't know existed. I felt the tingle in my fingertips and i amazed me how everything was connected. I felt it in my toes. It felt like i was being transformed into a monster. My head was being squeezed and my nails dug into the mattress. My heart jolted and gasped for air. It was as if i was begging for oxygen. my last breathe. I woke up to find myself OK. I was so ill and in pain. I only realized this morning how hard my dad was pressing at the back of my head. I have bruises. And bumps. I feel the little air pockets everywhere. My shoulders are knotted into a ball of stress. The little knots are hidden under my shoulder blades so they cannot be touched.... I feel oh so very fragile and weak. I didn't go to school today. I am trapped in my cold body. I have just enough strength to write this. I've slept all day and woke up to finish a book. Bella has suddenly become a part of me... oh no!

Sincerely and graciously yours,


Sunday, May 24, 2009

Sun Youth.

What a beautiful day in Montreal! Wow! The sun is shinning and i just stepped in for a break. I was tanning-what a hard job :) haha The sun kind of absorbed my energy up. I'm gonna go back out to play volleyball with Little N and her friend C.

Anyways, here are some sunny shots. Just for shits and giggles. Bye Auntie T! Loved having you in town... She lives in Prague- can you imagine? It must be gorgeous...