Sunday, May 15, 2011
I'm supposed to feel accomplished. I'm supposed to feel pretty and smart. I'm supposed to feel like nothing can bring me down. I'm supposed to be happy and excited to commence a new day, a new dawn, a new morning... but i feel none of this... I don't feel as pretty as i once did. I don't feel strong and built like i once was. I don't feel like leaving my bed, because its the safest place. Tears havent stopped yet... I dont know whats missing in my life, why i feel so estranged. I have the freinds, i have the family, i have the boyfriend,i have the brains... but yet i still feel so alone. I have it all, i'm on top of the world but i couldnt feel more isolated... I keep pulling myself away form the people that care about me. I guess i can say that its a constant build up of stress. Between school, friends, love life, personal issues and my future im constantly thinking and stressing out. I just want to leave for a while. Somewhere where my brain doesnt work and i can just be a vegetable... just for a couple of minutes. it would be heaven. & I miss him. I miss him so much. For a short while it was bliss and now im worried sick. Sometimes i tihnk its just me and my "new" habits of thinking negatively thats getting me down... i dont know. maybe i'm better off alone.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Consider this the beginning of a new era. For myself as a writer. I've been accepted to Marianopolis in Liberal Arts and I decided to start blogging again... Cutting to the chase.
Over the past months, I've been running around in my head trying to find something. I've cried and cried for things that most often are not even worth thinking about. I've become an over-analytical, selfish, consumed person. I think too much into everything and go over moments in my mind again and again. This wasted energy has drained me. It has taken the life out of me. I walk around like a zombie and (apparently) I'm dropping pounds like Jenny Craig. The dark circles under my eyes are worrying my parents, my teachers, my friends, my boyfriend and my family. I even catch strangers looking at me like a animal caged up in a zoo. I've been looking at the world through puffy eyes and been walking all over myself with metal cleats. But why? Again, I turn to this infamous question... Could it be that I've been stressing about cegep? Could it be that I don't have my priorities straightened out? Could it be that i feel the ground shaking in a world i thought was absolutely perfect? Or could it be that my brain is simply EXHAUSTED of processing every single detail? Hmmm i say, D) All of the above. "Is that your final answer?"
I've been so consumed in my future, or at least, what i think of it. I've been trying so hard to "prove my identity" in chemistry and physics that i forgot what exactly there was to prove. I've been so wrapped up in my answers and theories about everything that I'm slowly losing touch with reality. I dont know what to do or where to go. How to go about things.
You are the love of my life. I've never been so in love with a person. You made me feel so important and such a priority. I was above all things. And now... now I simply dont know where I stand. Its devastating me. Its literally draining me. I cry and cry. for moments tht are faded and seem so, so far away.
Where are you...?