All Control is Lost

All my life has been planned out for me. School, social life, morals, everything seemed to fit into place how it should be. A prime example of someone who has all her priorities straight and knows everything shes doing would be well, me. I seem to always be in control of what im doing even if it is a bit reckless, i can get away with murder.because i would know how. Quick on my feet ... thats just the way it is for me. but... when it comes to loving you... its very hard for me to control. Because i love you in so many ways imaginable that theyre expanding my heart across my eyes, in a thin layer enough for me not to be blind. I know that sounds far fetched but its true. As i said, i feel older, more mature and much more aware of you AND of what you are doing. So therefore i will not let a mistake i once made happen again. i am not blind in love, i notice everything and i love that. its as if you want me to see, as if youre protecting me while still loving me. youre amazing. I want you so badly, its tempting me to leave everything behind, but then there you are secretly reminding me to open my eyes and stay on my feet. you are the only one who can keep me tied down and in love at the same time. I show you a side of me that ive never ever shown anybody, it means a lot to me that i share it with you, because youre someone i trust in completly.

We mesh so well its sickening. I feel so at ease being with you, being next to you or in your arms. by your side is one of my favorite places to be... i want to stand there and support you. And aslong as im yours, i will forever be proud because youre worth fighting for. I believe no rumour and dont even need to ask you about them, because i believe in something so much more... and thats you. baby im crazy in love with you...

Adieu,
Ashley

Q

Alone.
Where the silence was so loud it pierced my ears. Stuck in a world where i had no direction, no path to follow. I was a lost cause. I felt so childish, so predictable, so foolish. I was a distraught and typical example of someone i despised. i hate it, watching 15 year old girls mourn over a guy, for shits sake youre fucking 15. Thats ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. and i hate that feeling. I'd gained, gained so much that it hurt me until i was nothing anymore. I compared everyone, everything, every place and every moment, but for what? for the journey that in the end i could call, "love"? "Yeah, i loved, once. but its along story"... i didnt want that, i dont want that attention. i hate the type of attention, it makes me feel weak, like i've been beaten and used. I dont stand for that, but in my heart...my heart that had led me to it in the first place was exactly that... manipulated. betrayed. toyed with and shattered. It felt like there was no hope for me anymore, even if i knew that someday it would all wash over, it seemed like i could never be happy again. Never be as joyful, and energetic about love as i was then. I looked at him with awe and passion. There was something i saw that reeled me in, that today, is beyond my capability of comprehension.

Then, 2 years later here you come. here you've always been. someone who in the beggining was a person i would never want to be with. one of many that i stereotyped and filed away in my imaginary cabinet with a NEVER stamp inked across the folder. I guess your file slipped out... You were that guy that i warned girls about. a guy, who is simply being a guy and all he wants is a hole. whenever, wherever... my flag was waving, my red flag was swaying back and forth, so large and in my face that i couldnt see the beauty behind it... And so i peeked. and when i opened my eyes to you, i opened the gate to my heart. the gate that was shutting out everything and every one from my life. I was on lockdown, to even the most exceptional of guys. Guys who i, had broken their hearts because well, its what i was taught to do. But you, you had this ease. this forbidden and midblowing ease about you... and now. i cannot wake up without you in my life. You are one in a million, and i say that with the utmost respect. there is no other word to describe you, but perfect. Your flaw is that you are too indescribable. you are that rare shooting star that comes every so often but only get to see once. you glide across my sky, lighting it up and filling it with hope and faith. You are my protector, the soldier i never had. You say the most beautiful things and lay kisses on mylips like i have never felt before. You are respectful and courteous... you understand my boundries and my limits. you comprehend what im saying with a single glance. you understand what it is to be me. We work so well together baby, and i want this for as long as i may have it. I want to hold onto this relationship with this type of ease for as long as i can, and i will hang on. I do not want to let go of you because you... you are what i've always wanted and its still a shock that you have been here all along.

your passion baby, baby youre amazing. you will succeed in no matter what you chose to do because you are born a star. you were born to soar with those strong and confident wings you have. youre so high baby it makes me want to fly beside you. you bring out the best in me, the best i've ever been. I am so happy with you that this feels like nothing else ive ever felt before. you are showing me a whole new way to love. those kisses... are like soft, warm cashmere blankets upon mine. you know the ones where i cant let go? those are my favorite ones. leaving you everyday is a tragedy but also celebrates the time that must pass in order for me to see you once again. your touch. whether it be your finger lifting my chin, or your hands contouring my torso, your touch lingers... i cannot breathe and i cannot think. i want you near me always. when you whisper in my ear the lyrics to songs; im lovestoned. your words trickle down my back and i feel my knees start to tremble. our rhythm, our pace and the way we are in sync with everything,i love that about us. i love how i can talk to you about absolutly anything even if it means hanging up on you. we have our differences, but they are what makes us so similar.they are what defines us from the rest...

i cant describe what i feel for you... but its a stregth i didnt know i had anymore. Its a feeling of maturity, on both our parts that makes our relationship what it is. I feel so much older and wiser that it reflects on how i treat you and how i want to be treated. you read all my signals and reach beyond my expectations. you are what completes me... and as stupid as this may sound and as naive as i may seem to be, i love you. and after that... there simply isn't anything else to say.

You're boyfriend number two- again.

Hiya Ducky. I missed you, but no worries i knew you would return. And you KNOW how much that bothers me. Guys have radars don't they... Edward came back to Bella just when she started to feel better about his absence. Big came RUNNING for Carrie the same night she was happily leaving for Paris. And you unknowingly, come back into my life when i start to move one... But im not going to lie. I love having you here. I've missed your rude comments but you came with a new attitude this time... a complimenting one. A side i hadn't seen for a long time. if ever.

its not the first time you hear this, maybe not as personal but youre 2nd to me now. i love having you second though, really. and the only place you'll ever move to is first, i guarantee that. but at the moment, i haven't forgotten you. Welcome back to the pond.

hugs and kisses. xo

Adieu,

Ashley

Just fucking around

No homework for once. Results? Dark circles under my eyes and sore muscles.









Adieu,

Ashley

Analogy of a duck.

You know... you piss me off. I decided to NOT fall for you. I came to the conclusion that you're no good for me- that it would never work out. But why is it that whenever we drift away and not even focus on something we know we shouldn't want it ALWAYS just so happens, "coincidentally", to be that one something we cannot live without. Like YOU for example. I knew this guy. I speak to this guy. I fell for this guy. I got over this guy... somewhat. Im trying to convince myself that its not really a good time.. that were both focused on different things but everytime my phone vibrates.. a tiny part of me freezes and wishes its you... your screen name puts me a very quiet state. your status updates make my eyeballs rolls. and you comments... in my inbox when it says you wrote on my wall, "Like"d something or commented a picture- GOOD OR BAD, i smile. I can't help but watch you msn name go from green to gray, from busy to online. That little ducky thats been your default picture since the first day i met you annoys the living shit out of me. But if you would change it, i would feel compelled to ask therefore be afraid to get a " lol" or a simply "ok". That rubber ducky means something to me. It means you haven't changed, it means to me that youre still the same guy i always knew. and if you changed that picture... i dont know maybe im over-reacting. but i would feel as if you've moved on. Not that i dont want you to or stopping you, but perhaps the moving on will lead you to forgetting me. i cant help but wonder if i mean anything at all to you, if you mean the things you said. if i leave; would it bother you? or would you simply just give me the regular "ok"? But one things for sure, if the rubber ducky decides to switch baths, my water would not be very relaxing anymore.

adieu..
Ashley

School Approaching :(

NOOOOOOOO my relax time is slipping through my fingers... not cool. One week to go, 5 days to be precise. Then no more sleeping in. Its just going to be books, book, books, an orange ball, a stripped wilson and laced up touch-down for the next 10 months... WWOOOHOOO. atleast ill get a tight body (hopefully ) *yn
Adieu,

Ashley

Forbidden Love

I was really starting to fall for you- even though i knew i shouldn't have.You were someone I completely and willing got to know despite the red flags. I began this relationship; this friendship we now have, but i do not want to be the one to end it. You were good company... for the time being. Everyday you managed to put a smile on my face even if it was not funny. A compliment, and insult... Either one would suffice because i was talking to you. You; an older, wiser more experienced, determined boy. I admired (and still do) your passion for that orange ball. It was what attracted me to you from the beginning- and the more you spoke about it the more i was intrigued. i love a guy able to commit, who is fit, strong, intelligent and takes charge. You were everything and more. you are the perfect match! You play hard to get which is an alteration in my game... a challenge. I also like challenge. There are risks and certain rules i know i have to break to get to know you and see you. and sometimes i think it might be worth it- but when you pull those lines... those stupid, childish, MEN lines i just want to forget about even making that first move...


Adieu mon amour,

Ashley

Quicky!

Heyyy there :) Summer is finally here in Montreal. Highs of 32 degrees! Woah! Scoarching... Sorry for the blog's appearance its under construction. Today i went to LaRonde with camp. it was Hot and sticky and i dont feel well so it was kind of a nightmare for me.. anyhow. my day gets worse. I'm entenred into this scolarship program, PBSSQ(philipino benevolent and scholarship societyof Quebec) and so ive been working on an ESSAY. thats right. and ESSAY during the summer! i ALSO have to complete a biography of my honours and achievements and a reasearch project on the Philippines. On sunday when i do my interview, i also have to write a short essay... Doenst this suck? Yes it might, but the prize IS 500$ and Top Scholar of the Year. Good looks on a CV doesnt it? I'm working towards my money * lol juuustttttt NOT kidding. anywho I MUST get back to work. Just stopped by to blog. Even though NO ONE reads this anyways!

Adieu,
Ashley

I have a dream

I had a dream about you last night.
We were lying in the sand watching the sunset.
I heard nothing but waves washing against the shore.
I saw nothing but your tanned face looking at mine.
Love was in the air.
The beach was clear. Couples had started back to their hotels and we were alone.
I loved it this way. It was like we heard each others thoughts better.
I was you, and you were me.
We were one.
I looked at you so happy... Finally.
Our moment was interrupted by funny giggles "Mommy! Daddy!"
We laughed and grabbed our children in our arms.
Finally we had gotten to that dream of ours. The one we had the day we locked eyes.
You hadn't aged a day...
You were beautiful, a God.
We were healthy, fit and amazing parents.
She was gorgeous, our daughter, she had your smile.
He was handsome, our son, he had your strong posture.
We had a family together.. nothing seemed wrong.
Its funny how in dreams you don't remember exactly how that person treated you in the past.
All you know is that you are happy in the moment that in reality, lasted a mili-second.
It felt so real. It felt as if you loved me...
But then again... I was only dreaming.


Adieu,

Ashley

Greetings from the Lobster Coast

Greetings from Portland, ME. Very rainy, very sunny, very odd. But its great to relax and just think. Well, maybe i've been getting a little too much thinking done. To many coincidences here. Home seems good just about now... Anyways. Gonna go sit by the camp fire and blame the smoke as the reason for the teary eyes.

Adieu,

Ashley

New yorkk freshh

New York was a fucking blassstttt. Shopping til' we dropped. Exquisite. Now im in Maine with AK and co. Its great. Roasted marshy's :) yummm and tomorrow beachyy :)

Adieu,

Ashley

Windows Live Hotmail ?

so apparently you can log onto blogspot from anywhere and any site. Exibit A = Windows Live Hotmail Just a right click, press the blogger link and here we have it! amazing isn't it? what technology has to prove...


Today, im home again. SICK. i hope i dont have H1N1. that would suck. but im feeling better. just a bit dizzy and i still have my cough. mom is making me clean things. i dont know how she doesnt see me struggling lol but anyways. thats how mom's are arent they.. wtv i'll survive. Ottawa this weekend and FINALLY NYC with AK next week! im so extatic. outfits are planned and everything... a couple of sundresses, shoes, heels, evening casualties. you know- the works. It's going to be just fabulous. Well, anyway I'll be by shortly... Undercover.

Adieu,

Ashley

UPCOMING EVENTSSS

HP6 :)

nyc with AK! :D

JIGGA'S D.O.A x)

M for Music, M for Michael.

I am still in a state of shock. The loss of Michael Jackson is... unbelievable. The ceremony today really touched me. I never knew him, i did not grow up when Michael was at his highest peek and I never considered him at one of my favorite artists... But i realized that he is the basis of every one in the industry that I admire. I wish i had the chance to meet you or see one of your concerts, but i was too young. and yet, Michael your death made me cry.

Michael- not only did you make your way through the toughest of publicity but you proved every pessimist and hater wrong. You dealed with unimaginable situations. You took in the storms and sent them away a beautiful breeze... You made this world a better place to live in. you are Music. There is no one like this King and there will never ever be another Michael. God, there is no better time to ask you to take a couple moments and welcome him into your kingdom... Bless him with everything you have because he has served you. Even if it was for a short time, he has served your purpose on Earth. What you sent your sons and daughters to do, Michael has done. He was united everyone together. Black or white, christian or muslim, rock and roll or pop. The opposites became the same. Thank you Michael... for everything you've brought with you and left behind . Thank you for leaving your legacy behind for us to admire and believe you have not left us. In body, Michael you are not present... but in spirit you are everywhere we look. People gathered together to celebrate your life. I miss you. They miss you. WE miss you. I write this not only as a tribute to you but a MY word and promise that i will never forget you and your music. I love you Michael. Continue to watch over us as we pass on stories and memories of what will always be the King of pop. Rest in heavenly peace.

You healed the world...


Always,
Ashley

Hey young world it's your girl Dj Razor Rae

Michael Jackson media everywhere you go. Puddles on the floor. Sunny rays during the daytime. AC on. Nail polish finally brings out my tan. The Big Apple in 23 days exactly :) Emailing AK for the plans. Mr.Big haunts me. D's end of year sleepover was a blast. Arguments at the dinner table about Luck vs Destiny (it's always religion vs science here...) Arguments about faith. Wishing Sex and the city still played. Mom comes in every once in a while to tell me i better clean my room. Dad made dinner - shocker. Dad got canoli's for dessert :) Dad's dinner wasn't half bad. Camp duty tomorrow at 8:45. Really pissed that the Honey dvd isn't working. Thunder and Lightning outside my window. Handyman died this week.. R.I.P. Family picnik this weekend! PRAYING FOR GOOD WEATHER. Can't wait until hockey season. Wanting to watch T.V. Dad is hogging the tv for video games. Dad is 52. No on is online. Have to fix captions under fb pics. Boring entry. Sorry for reading. Thanks if you did. Comment if you did. Have a great summer. God Bless.



Ashley

If you're going to be two faced, atleast make ONE of them pretty

I cannot stand girls who expose themselves full out. Walking around with you built and fit physique completely out there for everyone to see is just... not what girls as young as us are supposed to look like. You look like hookers. It shows a lack of self respect and confidence. Allowing your make-up and bronzage skin being the first and only thing appealing to you just proves that you are worth nothing. That you have absolutely nothing to offer either than eye shadow and a kiss made of 95% whale blubber.. and sad part is.. Guy's dig it.

*sigh* I'm trying to be a fair lady :)

xox
Ashley

Pause. Bow. Moment of silence.

Today. 2 lives were taken from our world. The world of entertainment. We lost our dear and beautiful Farrah Fawcett and legendary Michael Jackson. At such young ages, these 2 fine people have passed on... One died a soldier and the other in his own style.. Farrah Fawcett... once the most beautiful woman on the planet to a victim of cancer. This angel not only sold over 12 million copies of her poster worldwide, but served as an all amarican icon for years. She changed the perspective of sexuality becoming an international sex symbol.



Michael passed with a shock, an awe and unexpected. But isn't that how the King of pop rolls? Always unpredictable and underestimated. He brought a new out look on music! 2 time Rock'n'Roll hall of famer, Guinness world record for most successful artist, 13 grammies, 13 #1 singles and seller of over 750 MILLION albums worldwide, this king will always be in charge of his thrown. No one shall ever take his place. He is truly a unique and original artist. May God bless him even now that he has passed... A example of a gift from God; Michael Jackson. His legacy shall endure forever more...

We love you... Rest in peace.

Ashley

Plain old Ashley blog

hey there.
Just dropping by to talk. What else do i do right? Well, many things but that's besides the point. I updated my blog today. Couple of trinkets. Music - some snippets some actual tracks. It's kinda shitty that way but wtv. There are some great songs there so feel free to check it out. I also added the weather :) Punch in your city if you're wondering exactly HOW hot is it where you at ma'. Also added was the date haha. JUST INCASE you forget :) it helps to know when i posted the entry as well, or me at least seeing as i have like 5 followers none of which read anyway. But! just incase there are people who do... thanks. REALLY. thank you.

Summer's here. I guess.. This weather is sickening. Weak... just gray blobs everywhere. Everything is really depressing. What else.. I'm reading Angels and demons by Dan Brown. Prettyy good. I love God don't get me wrong but i like science too. God before all though no doubt.

Father's day this weekend, so blessings to all dadda's. Here or not... Out reach to all. Love love love. I got a family get together this weekend and as usual, im greatful/excited. it's been a while. 2 weeks maybe :P so lucky.

So ya.. Razor rae. Dj Razor Rae just lounging at the home... blogging. Jamming. You know.
Congrats Lakers champs (told ya'll...) Big ups to Penguins! (told ya'll again) AND congrats to the graduates. I know it's that time of year...

ya, little shout out to 11:11. Guess wishes do come true... TOLD YA'LL AGAIN


On a positive note, lupe is too cool. Just the Cool. Viva



Adieu to another day,

Ashley


P.S

sorry G.

Meet me at my needs, thanks!

Why is it whenever i find something so precious and ideally close to home that it ends up having strings attached? That's life isn't it, never being 100% complete. There's always something. This new beau for instance, or casual flirt i should say, is even cut from the same cloth for God's sake what more could you want? A nice boy who is dedicated, passionate, committed, humorous and truthful. What's the problem? Ah... boy. There's the catch of the day. Once settled into conversation, the "boy questions" come along, and don't they always? So, i answered a couple and gradually moved on to a discussion that sounded more like a trivial pursuit.

Questions, yes.
Sex talk, no.

Your one and only source of Manhattan's Elite!

Ladies and Gents. Do i have some new for you! I just got an invitation via mail from my mom and aunt that me and my best friend since birth are going to New York City for our sixteenth birthday! It's going to be AMAZING. perfect outfit, shopping, living the life of an upper east sider. AND to put the cherry on the cake, seeing at my aunt is friends with someone who knows Al Pacino, we might be staying there :) How crazy is that? I really hope everything works out right. I mean NYC is official but ScarFace isn't for sure. So, i'm not gonna count my chikitas before the hatch you know ;) but i reallllyy really pray for it. I used my worry doll last night. For he first time since my dad's opperation. Here are my outcomes.

I did well on my exam, Lakers won AND they were even trailing, Mr.Big spoke to me on the phone and texted me last night its been forever, Soldier and I spoke and we had great weather today for our pool party at G's. One of the girls got a little carried away with the smirnoff :S so we all had to take care of her fucking ass and bring her home. it was hell. I had a coupld of shots but I'm completly fine. It's not very lady like, but wtv. I love being in control of myself and i hate it when i cannot focus on what im doing, so. im pretty safe for now . Blair = IDOL <3 LOL

anyway, enjoy the weekend


you know you love me
XOX

Ashley
Ashley