lonely

I'm supposed to feel accomplished. I'm supposed to feel pretty and smart. I'm supposed to feel like nothing can bring me down. I'm supposed to be happy and excited to commence a new day, a new dawn, a new morning... but i feel none of this... I don't feel as pretty as i once did. I don't feel strong and built like i once was. I don't feel like leaving my bed, because its the safest place. Tears havent stopped yet... I dont know whats missing in my life, why i feel so estranged. I have the freinds, i have the family, i have the boyfriend,i have the brains... but yet i still feel so alone. I have it all, i'm on top of the world but i couldnt feel more isolated... I keep pulling myself away form the people that care about me. I guess i can say that its a constant build up of stress. Between school, friends, love life, personal issues and my future im constantly thinking and stressing out. I just want to leave for a while. Somewhere where my brain doesnt work and i can just be a vegetable... just for a couple of minutes. it would be heaven. & I miss him. I miss him so much. For a short while it was bliss and now im worried sick. Sometimes i tihnk its just me and my "new" habits of thinking negatively thats getting me down... i dont know. maybe i'm better off alone.

Adieu,Rae

Changes

Consider this the beginning of a new era. For myself as a writer. I've been accepted to Marianopolis in Liberal Arts and I decided to start blogging again... Cutting to the chase.

Over the past months, I've been running around in my head trying to find something. I've cried and cried for things that most often are not even worth thinking about. I've become an over-analytical, selfish, consumed person. I think too much into everything and go over moments in my mind again and again. This wasted energy has drained me. It has taken the life out of me. I walk around like a zombie and (apparently) I'm dropping pounds like Jenny Craig. The dark circles under my eyes are worrying my parents, my teachers, my friends, my boyfriend and my family. I even catch strangers looking at me like a animal caged up in a zoo. I've been looking at the world through puffy eyes and been walking all over myself with metal cleats. But why? Again, I turn to this infamous question... Could it be that I've been stressing about cegep? Could it be that I don't have my priorities straightened out? Could it be that i feel the ground shaking in a world i thought was absolutely perfect? Or could it be that my brain is simply EXHAUSTED of processing every single detail? Hmmm i say, D) All of the above. "Is that your final answer?"

I've been so consumed in my future, or at least, what i think of it. I've been trying so hard to "prove my identity" in chemistry and physics that i forgot what exactly there was to prove. I've been so wrapped up in my answers and theories about everything that I'm slowly losing touch with reality. I dont know what to do or where to go. How to go about things.

You are the love of my life. I've never been so in love with a person. You made me feel so important and such a priority. I was above all things. And now... now I simply dont know where I stand. Its devastating me. Its literally draining me. I cry and cry. for moments tht are faded and seem so, so far away.

Where are you...?

Adieu,Rae

Summing up Summer

Oh how time flies when we`re having fun- or should i say THEY. This summer, i took care of 15 kids 5 days a week all day :) Headache? Sure. Fun? Sure. Tan? FOR SURE. Do i regret it? Never. This summer, i learned a lot about myself, about the type of woman i wanna be. This was my first real job. I've grown up with these people i now call my co-workers and let me just say, the kid you knew on the playground isnt AT ALL who you know in a workplace. People grow, people change and people arent who they necessarily come off as. I learned to be patient. I learned to be attentive. I learned to be proactive. So much... I was put in a million and one situations that i DEALT with, on a personal note & professional note. I fought, i cried, i laughed, i listened, i loved, i worried, i chose, i experienced, i grew. It's as if i observed myself this summer, what a great job i was doing (and i do congratulate myself, thank you very much) and i loved myself. I LOVED MYSELF. And although that sounds a little on the selfish, conceited and narcissistic side i am so proud of what i've done this summer. Sure, i hadn't really spent time places that maybe i should have but I was discovering things and aspects of ME that i had no idea i possessed before. All my life i've been a flower. Perfect tending & space to grow. This summer, i blossomed. And i dont care if im not the prettiest one in the garden, I like me. I love me. And i love whatim becoming. It's just the beginning.


Atm, i am in school. Last year! Moving on to a new stage of my life soon. I can hardly wait! This year will be tough with physics & chemistry but i plan on rocking it. So, let this be my prayer..haha As summer fades, winter creeps in. Awaiting that first snowflake :)

Cheers!

Adieu,
Rae

Find Your Love

It's about to come down. Hard. The clouds are hovering over my little piece of heaven i call a backyard. Its beautiful. The raindrops are hitting the top of my canopy, the taupe color is suddenly turning a dark dark brown. The wind is blowing some drops of sky into my face. I dont mind. I hear it, i smell it. The rain is one of my favorite aspects of nature. I just saw a lightening bolt shiver across the sky. "The angels are bowling", my little sister says. "Uncle Gino and Tzi Tzi Hazel are bowling! I guess they found each other". I look up at the sky and wonder.. when we leave, do we each hold a place of blue sky? Do we each have a raindrop? a star? a leaf? or a lightening bolt to call our own? I sure think so. I sure HOPE so. So that whn its my turn, my loved ones will look up at the sky and try to scope me out.

The sky is shaking, atleast it looks like it. The sound is loud, but is it so beautiful. The silence on my balcony, hearing nothing but the rain... its defeaning. I love it. I wish i was here with him. We love to watch and hear the rain. Other couples hit the clubs, walk the streets or hang out in parcs, but us. We watch the rain. Every raindrops represents the reasons why we are together. And although time may change our present situation, ill always remember that it was with him that i watched the rain.

find YOUR love
Adieu,Rae

No matter what

As i look back on what seemed like a millennium ago, i see that people really do grow and change. Working where i work, you realize how quickly time passes and how fast people grow. Sometimes, the calm kids become the annoying ones. Sometimes the head aches become the leaders of the group... No one can stay in one state forever. There are obstacles in life that make you stronger, weaker, nicer or even pessimistic. But with those obstacles that we have yet to accept, there comes a slight change. A change that chisels away the old you and shapes you into the new you. We are in a CONSTANT changing stage. For example, when you were 4 your favorite color was yellow. When you were 5 your favorite color was green because Hilary Duff's favorite color was green... These phases that we go through, these heartbreaks that we face and these battles that we fight are molding us into the human being we are meant to be. Its not because you're afraid of the color yellow, its not because you dont care for the color yellow... you just took a better interest in green. Just remember that it took the yellow to make the green. Just remember that your past makes you who you are. It will happen that you will hurt people on your way to becoming who youre meant to become... but that hurt will only be helping the other person to shape his or herself into who theyre supposed to be. A domino effect. Dont be mad at people because they are changing, because really you should be thankful because they're changing you as well... "but i dont like change", "but i dont wanna change- thats nice but its inevitable. If its not now, it will be tomorrow.

Yesterday i was a social butterfly. Always wanting to be at every party, thinking I SHOULD be there, i NEED to be there. Yesterday i didnt cry over situations, i kept it bottled in. Yesterday I set an example. I was a good girl, good rep. Yesterday I was single. Yesterday my dream was to play volleyball forever. Yesterday my favorite singer was Britney Spears. Yesterday i felt like my reputation was everything. Yesterday, I didnt know it was yesterday.... Something took place in all of these changes. I made mistakes. I learned, i realized. I focused. I took the time to look at myself, to look at my life and my futur. I cleaned out my closet of all the outfits that brought drama to my life. I discovered a whole other side of me that i absolutly adore. I fell in love...

Today, i dont care what people have to say about me and how im living my life. Today, i pay no mind as to what i have to PROVE. Today, i realize that i can help others by being myself... Today, i know that winning isnt everything, that losing teaches you just as much as succeeding. Today, i take advantage of the fact that i can have everything i want- by working hard. Today, i cry for the sake of relieving my soul. Today, i have a love thats greater than i could ever have imagined... Today, Britney Spears has evolved as well, and with that being said so has my liking to her & her music lol... Today i wake up in the morning, not thinking about what and who i dont have in my life.. but who i do. I think about the fact that everything happens for a reason. That people grow! That people change! That "we are the change that we seek"! There isnt a map or manual telling us who will come into our lives and who will leave. Evolving is natural. So dont be upset that things are changing in your life, because by you changing, you are helping so many other people find themselves as well...

Adieu,
Rae

Still an unbreakable bond

"Young love", is what my mother tells me every time i hang up the phone. "Young love", is what she says when i blush at the thought of him. It is young love, and we all know it is the greatest feeling in the world. Those first months of loving someone, ACTUALLY being in love with someone. Clicking through my memoirs, ive loved. But to be IN love... no. Not like this. Can someone tell me if this is true? Comment on my comments about this relationship and tell me if its real...

*i cherish a kiss on the forehead more than any other kiss he gives me
*i still get butterflies every time we kiss
*i fall in love all over again every time he looks at me
*i feel so comfortable around him i can even shave my armpits...
*i can laugh by myself and know hes smiling
*i'm able to be myself, my true and stupid, over analytical self with him
*i never stop thinking about him
*i zone out just thinking about him and our future
*whenever i watch romantic movies i put us in their shoes and wonder what we would do in that situation
*i never have to wonder if hes cheating, i trust him with everything
*i get this physically painful feeling in my stomach at the thought of him leaving or when we argue


etc...
Could this feeling really be those expiration date, trigger happy hormones my brain is releasing in over dose quantities? or could this really be an everlasting love?

Hibernation over

Well, I'm back. Not that anyone would notice but I feel welcomed for some odd reason. I renovated my page as you can see, blogspot has UPDATED and UPGRADED itself, mazeltov! My last post was... oh my January 21st! What a drought! It is July 25th. My school year was topsy-turvy. I start again in a month.. The end of an era, a huge 5 year era... Who knew it would pass by so quickly? I'm just going to skip right over that scoop of 7 months and head straight for now.

Summer is here. It hasn't been very busy, just heat waves, new UV records, a bundle of clothes from moms new work, NEW MONEY rolling in and crazy kids running around all day making my summer a VERY hectic and tiring one. Summer camp is a great job though, it teaches you a lot of things, patience being the absolute priority. Here's some interesting news, Bonita has reappeared in the picture. Although i am completely and utterly over the whole latino getaway, i cant help but remember what was whenever i look at him. He loves to bring up the past and reminisce, expecting me blurt out those 3 words that mean nothing to him. He likes to play around, sorry! I've got a wonderful beautiful man... hes not worth it. I prefer my all day everyday, all inclusive Jamaican getaway than a latin island i always seem to visit. It lures you in but turns out to be infested with fake attributes that you don't see in the brochure...

The greatest game ever played

Sitting at the table, cards in my hand.
It is not good.
I know this game.
I know it like the back of my hand.
I've been here before, at this same table, in this same seat, playing against the same people.
But i notice one across from me.
A silent player, but an assassin.
Bluffing is his 6th sense. His lies, if they are, are unrecognizable.
A brilliant, majestic, player- going after me.
I think he's feeding off my weakness.
I think he sees i should not be here again... not now.
I hide behind my cards, boy are they awful to look at.
But i keep going. Bluffing, eliminating, taking in the loot- making me a better player.
But the champion is still sitting across the felt table.
Eying me... seeing into my eyes, looking for what my hand is, trying to read it.
He reads it alright, he knows exactly what i have.
I don't even know what i have at this point...
a pocket full of money? a pocket full of fake and pitiful money?
I put on my best poker face. It is nowhere close to his, but he doesnt know that.
Not yet.
The dealer deals the last hand.
I am gambling with fate. I am gambling everything i've worked for...
It seems silly.
Why am i doing this? Why should i risk it all?
Yes, i love the challenge but how is this love benefiting me?
I don't want to be back at zero again.
I don't want to relive the countless times I was trying to convince my opponents i was back, that im completely healed from my past defeat...
He looks at me.
I stare at him, trying to see what he has, what he has to bring to the table.
And there it was.
Only I could have seen this.
Ironically enough that it was me, i spotted the ray of weakness is his beautiful complexion.
He was giving up. He was rightfully, giving me this game.
He puts down his cards, "Straight".
Confident, but sure i had better...
I look at my cards.
I look at what i've had for the first time after staring at his crazy simplicity.
My eyes were open. My heart pounding.
I looked at him.
Forgiveness and passion in his eyes.
I heard his heart beat faster and faster waiting for me to respond.
"Full House"
i lay down my cards.
Suddenly, the win didn't mean a thing to me.
I gambled with my heart again, i risked everything AGAIN and i won.
i won him over.
and it truly is... the greatest win i could have asked for.
His past opponents- i didnt care about.
His past wins- i didn't pay mind...
i was just focused on what i now had, a gold ace of hearts.
I held it in the palm of my hand, filling the little hole that was once so engraved in my hand.
I hold it tightly. Promising never to drop it.
And when it gets too heavy, and this prize over takes me, i will take it out of my hand and move it into MY heart,
so that it will forever remain part of me.

Here's to friday nights of reminiscing!

Along the edge of the world, when things seem to be crumbling off the side- I'll stand by you.
Face flat against the pavement, trying to regain balance on your feet- I'll help you.
Broken hearted, for the distance apart from everything is too much to handle- I'll fix you.
Upset because you think your all isn't good enough for anyone- I'll remind you.
On the verge of giving up everything for the sake of coming home -I'll encourage you.
When the feelings of sadness and jealousy creep into your mind- I'll reassure you.
During times of separation that may lead to unexpected events- I'll trust you.
When the uproars of people start, and try to ruin our love- I'll defend you.
Crossing streets with girls silently screaming for your attention- I'll take hold of you.
Holding your face between my hands and looking into your beautiful eyes -I'll kiss you.
Looking at you making a complete fool of yourself and not caring- I'll accept you.
Silently looking down at the floor because you had a bad day- I'll smile at you.
Not telling me something for the sake of keeping your word- I'll respect you.
Struggling to do or not to do for the sake of injury- I'll take care of you.
As you reach for your dreams until you've attained them- I'll support you.
Doubting yourself, and filling your head with negativity- I'll surround you.
Failing to understand aspects of life and the obstacles being thrown at you- I'll guide you.
Not being able to learn and read the words being said to you- I'll teach you.
Having trouble comprehending the truth in my eyes- I'll tell you.
Losing yourself in the midst of fame and expectations- I'll find you.
Suffering from independence and lack of physical love- I'll rescue you.
Leaving the past and walking into the bright lights of our future- I'll follow you.
Separated by miles or hours that may prevent communication between us- I'll wait for you.
Isolated in an environment that has been and is your dream-I'll think of you.
When the stakes are high and you cannot reach them and think the end is near- I'll believe in you.
And when times arise where you might hate yourself, the world, and the situation surrounding you- I'll love you. For better and for worse. I'll never give up on you.

Because I am You.







Adieu,

Ashley

Bonito

You're mind blowing, and outstandingly beautiful haha.
As time goes on,you get older and more gorgeous every time i see you.
this is wrong, on so many levels. but i never got the chance to write about you.
truthfully, i haven't even had the time to think of you.
but i stumbled on your page today. No mistake...
Ive seen you look like a man, and i notice you still remain "faithful".
Well, thats only what i see.
I hear you got a tattoo, dont know what its of though.
I'd like to see it. I wouldn't mind running into you...
i never got what i wanted from you. and its been... 6 years.
We're old enough i know, but its too late.
I won't lie and say i dont miss you. i do... i'll never forget what we had that summer.
that one summer that changed everything.
Its CRAZY how connections are made when we meet.
But we know better. I know better.

Just wanted to mention that you're beautiful... that is all



Adieu,

Ashley

brainnnn

every time you leave my view, my imagination begins to create itself. it's as if it is replacing your presence. in a way, i hate having you away from me. I feel incomplete; a whole and strong woman, but incomplete. but in another way, i love to miss you. I love to think about what you're doing at that very moment, what you look like and what you're thinking about... I know every inch of you now. I remember and picture every speck on your face and your body. I know your scars, you muscles, your weak spots and your strong ones. I can feel your emotions and sense your need because its as if im part of you and you of me. Its a special bond thats taking place between us and its twisting my mentality around. Its shaping my mind and chiseling my morals. I dont want to make this relationship sound like a fairytale or some super natural story because its not. its an honest and true bond between two simple people.

in my eyes, theres no one at the moment, and in the moments to come, that i rather be with. ive forgotten the rest and am keen on a future with you. Now a future doesnt always mean marriage and kids, im talking the next years to come as our future. If the rest is meant to be, then it will fall into place... i wish it does though. I love having you around all the time. it makes me feel safe and protected. Nothing can ever hurt me anymore because you have possesion of my heart, and you guard it with everything- i see that. I see the passion in your beautiful eyes and the respect in your touch. You listen. you dont just hear what i have to say and you just dont guess my thoughts and feelings... you know them. you listen to everything and realize things i dont even neeed to tell you about.

I know your dreams and you know mine. We know how far each of s will go for them, and promised to not get in the way of that path, only help guide it. I'll stand by you when you reach your goals, and i want you there to stand by me. Stand Tall and Proud.
My brain has been on an instant replay of our memories and times together. Even the simplest of fore-head kisses tears apart my mind because i miss it. I imagine. My imagination has never been so creative. My dreams never so intense and vivid. My art work so profound and thought out and my intensity so willing.

you're always on my mind, and i wonder if you ever get tired and wish to be elsewhere.

Adieu,

Ashley